Today is Christmas Eve-Eve. Have you ever noticed how grey and wet everything turns towards the end of the year? Of course you have. Sometimes I think the real reason everyone overdoses on holiday decorations in December is to cover up the bare tree branches and dirty snow drifts. Do you want to know something odd about me? I love the last couple months of the year. Not because of the holidays, really. I love November, when all the leaves are on the ground and incandescently beautiful sunsets can be seen through the bare forests. I read Wuthering Heights my sophomore year of high school, and it instilled in me a love of fog and rain and snowflakes under shining streetlamps at night. When December rolls around I come to understand how even Creation declares the glory of God- I see it in the dark gray of early twilight, and the periwinkle blue of snowy skies. I spend a lot of time on Tumblr, looking at pictures of windswept landscapes and gray city streets. My URL is even november-gray-feelings. Scrolling down my Dashboard and seeing pictures like these
makes me want to live a life that looks like this. I want to live in an old city or college campus, where the buildings are reminiscent of old, stone castles, with large drafty rooms and rafter-crossed ceilings. I want to walk the streets in a pea coat and handmade hat, splashing through puddles and window-shopping with the people I love the most. I want to curl up with a blanket on the sil of a picture window, reading my favorite books as I watch the world go by. I am extremely detail-oriented, and I crave a lovable life full of raindrops on windowpanes, and ice-covered tree branches, and steam rising from a fresh cup of coffee.
Today it is raining. Hard. And my house is warm and glowing, alive with Christmas lights and music. The reason this post is so short is because I am about to leave to see some good friends before the holiday. Today, it is Christmas Eve-Eve, and I have that funny, happy feeling warming my insides, telling me that everything is lovely and okay, that this life I dream of may exist in the here and now.
Today is Friday the 13th. Also, it is twelve days before Christmas. Do you know what this means, ladies and gentlemen?
The Muppets' 12 Days of Christmas. On repeat. All day, every day.
I feel like the title of this post is a bit of an understatement, because it began to look a lot like Christmas the day after Halloween. Props to all the people (and/or elves) who helped swap all the orange and black candy at Walgreens for red and green on the night between October 31st and November 1st. After a night of trick-or-treating we all awoke to Christmas, Christmas, everywhere!
Not that I'm complaining. I believe this truly is the most wonderful time of year. I may roll my eyes at cheesy holiday commercials on TV, and make fun of all the predictable Hallmark movies playing 24/7, but I dearly love all the colors and traditions leading up to the 25th. I love Christmas tree-shopping with Dad on the weekend after Thanksgiving. We go to this tree farm in Hamden, where my dad grew up, and he always reminds us of how different everything used to be as we pass his old high school, driving through streets that were merely woods and apple orchards when he was a kid. You can see the chin of Sleeping Giant -a little mountain? Excuse my incorrect geographical terminology, I was homeschooled- where Dad used to take us when Mom needed an afternoon of quiet away from us. We would hike all the way to the old stone castle at the top and drop things off of the parapets (I also know nothing about castles. Everything I learned about Medieval history two years ago went in one ear and out the other. I think I can get away with that since I remember everything else important). Under the shadow of Sleeping Giant we pick out and cut down our tree- actually, Dad cuts it down. I don't blame him for not trusting us with sharp objects. Then we go home and, after much grunting and profane language and pine needles dropped on the floor, Dad and the boys get the tree set up in front of the french doors in the living room. Usually we watch A Charlie Brown Christmas and decorate the tree and eat dinner in front of the warmth of the fireplace.
On another, rather ironic subject, did you know that this time of year is the most common time for people to get depressed? I thought that was a load of crap until last Christmas, when I brought in the New Year reading sad books and forgetting to eat and crying at the drop of a hat. I wallowed in self-pity and slept little. I guess I understand how possible it is to be surrounded by friends and family and holiday cheer and still feel loneliness aching and eating up your insides. But not this year. I can't tell if I've become more or less silly than I was twelve months ago- maybe I've grown up, or maybe I'm apathetic. I think it's Senioritis. This semester has turned me into a very laid-back and slightly snobby version of myself. I don't really care though. I laugh now more than ever, and isn't that all that matters?
I felt very motivated to write today. I've had bursts of inspiration to do so lately -usually at 10:30 at night- but after reading some things written by a dear friend of mine, I felt compelled to sit down and write something happy and warm-hearted, which hopefully I have accomplished. Whenever I read about sad things, especially things I can relate to unnaturally well, I become inspired to write something cheerful. So, if this post wasn't cheerful enough for you, I give you...pictures and GIFs of all things pertaining to Christmas:
because this is the best part of White Christmas and you know it ;)
Elf. Enough said.
if this doesn't make you squeal then I don't know if you're human.
New York at Christmastime makes my heart ache with wanderlust.
finally, here is my very own Christmas tree with the very old, very Italian Nativity scene, collected and built courtesy of my Popou (Mom's dad).
I don't think there's anything left here for me to say, except Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight (or good 12:13 in the afternoon).
It's been awhile since I last posted! My only excuse is that life happens, and when it happens to someone like me I get easily overwhelmed. It probably is not helping that I overcommit myself to everything. What can I say? I like to try lots of things. Anyhow. Have I mentioned my fervent dislike of opening sentences? I feel like they fake a formality that should not exist, especially on my own blog. Yet, for the sake of grammar and people who may read this, I am obligated to write them. What I wanted to talk about today was not the ludicrousness of English grammar, believe it or not. I know I posted recently about how much I love fall, but do you want to know a secret? Fall makes me sad. I never noticed how much so until a couple of years ago. The aching beauty of deep periwinkle skies behind orange trees, the smell of bonfire smoke, the crunch of dry leaves underfoot- all move me, but in a bittersweet way. The real reason this time of year depresses me is the lack of sunshine and daylight hours and the eventual transition from autumn's colorful landscape to winter's bleak, colorless palette. I tend to become this pale, introverted person who shuffles around the house in pajamas, rubbing her hands together for warmth. It aint pretty, friends, and I know I am not the only person who gets like this. I am no individual. So I have decided, for the sake of my own sanity, to write down a few ways to not feel sad: -talk about it. I am often uncomfortable when it comes to opening up about how I feel, But once I do I usually feel better. It is extremely important to tell someone you can trust, not just a friend or family member who you feel does not know enough about you. I have made that mistake before. I am fortunate enough to have a good relationship with my mom, and a few very close friends with whom I can be transparent as well as cry in front of, knowing they won't think I'm weird. So, find someone you can trust, and don't be afraid to cry. Crying actually releases happy chemicals (called endorphins) which is why people tend to feel better after a good cry. The same effect actually comes from talking to your mom when you're upset. Who knew? -do what you love, but don't lose yourself in it. When life is a lot to handle all I really want to do is read a book or go for a run or watch a movie. I think having hobbies are a crucial part of relieving stress or depression, but there is a fine line between hobby and addiction. What I'm trying to say is that if you love to read, then read, but don't use it as a distraction from the problem at hand. Watch a movie if you are a film fanatic, but don't lose yourself in happy ending after happy ending because you think your own life is boring. Running is a great stress reliever, but don't use it as a metaphorical way to run away from your problems (unless you literally have to run away from your problem because your problem is that people are chasing you, in which case RUN FOREST RUN!). Running actually leads me to my next Way To Not Feel Sad: -take a hike. Not because no one likes you. Take a hike because exercise also releases endorphins. Not only does working out release happy chemicals, it also can give you the bikini body you have secretly been wanting. I like to go on walks by myself when I am sad, because I literally walk off whatever foul mood compelled me to leave the house. What works for me probably does not work for everybody. Try running or yoga or some other form of exercise (I personally like yoga. As my sister Rose would say, "it's kind of like sleeping, but with more commitment!"). -eat better. Fresh foods keep the body's levels of homeostasis (normal temperature, hormone levels, etc) in order. While eating fruits and veggies and a balanced diet does make me feel better, eating a chocolate bar the size of my face helps as well. You can have the best of both worlds, my friends. -talk to Jesus. Praying and reading the Bible are great ways to feel better, but sometimes it's fine to just abide in the presence of God. Psalm 46:5 says "be still, and know that I am God;" and that is all it takes to feel peace at the feet of Jesus. It is perfectly fine to cry or be angry at God. He doesn't expect you to be this perfect person who prays like nothing is wrong (because He's omniscient, He knows everything about everybody, thus putting on a happy face in front of Him is pointless). God created you the way you are, so be yourself. Reading Psalms actually helps me as well, because the people who wrote some of them (particularly chapters 13 and 37) were very honest about their feelings, and it's nice to know that I can identify with Christians who lived so very long ago. These are all things that help me out of the dark pits of anxiety and depression I tend to find myself falling into. While these are all legitimate ways to stop feeling sorry for yourself, they really do not solve your problems. I know not everyone is capable of dealing with their issues because sometimes things just spiral out of your control, or weren't even in your hands in the first place. So if you can change a situation, don't be afraid to. There is nothing worse than someone who has a problem who talks about it constantly, yet does nothing to solve it when they have the ability to (I know, I have been that person). And if you find yourself unable to control the circumstances you are in, there is always hope. I know that sounds cheesy, and I would want to throw a brick at me if I said something like that, but it is true. Nothing lasts forever. So, go for a run. Watch The Princess Bride for the 87th time. Call your mom. Talk to Jesus. You can't always eliminate a problem, but you can change the way you deal with it. --Laura :)
Those lovely ladies in the picture above have been my best friends since birth. Since we live across the Interstate from each other, and we all like to write, we decided to start a 4-way blog to keep in touch. I think it's an awesome project. We used to write letters back and forth, but then our lives got too busy. We created our blog -called Our Thoughts Are Stars- as a more convenient way to talk to each other almost every day. So, if you have any interest in our lives (which, if you aren't one of our mothers, I assume you don't) feel free to check it out. I write every Monday (hey that's today!) but Grace, Mercy, and Rose's writing styles are pretty phenomenal. Here is the link to Our Thoughts Are Stars. I hope you enjoy it and aren't repulsed by our fangirl rants about the moral decadence of society. Well, this post is really short for once. I have been immensely busy with this life I love and the way everything is suddenly changing, like leaves on trees in October. Some days I hate everyone and everything and want to curl up in bed and avoid this world, which often seems to turn against me. Most days are good, though- I get better at dealing; I am becoming thicker-skinned I think. So I suppose I'm doing okay, all things considered. ANYWAY, I have to end this now before it stops being a short post (also, I have a life that must be lived). --Laura :)
Sunday, September 15, 2013
I want all of these sweaters.
If you know me inside and out, you probably knew this post was coming. I love fall. It's as simple as that. I'm basically your typical suburban white girl- I pull out my oversized sweaters in mid-September and eat and drink anything with the words "pumpkin spice" in the title. The leaves haven't changed much and I'm already in Autumn Mode, anticipating the coming months like a kid waiting for Christmas morning. I don't even know where to begin. That's how bad it is. I can promise you now that this post is probably going to be a bit long and rambling and disorganized, but that's how I think, so I implore you to bear with me. I love fall. I love sweater weather and pumpkin flavored everything and the heart aching beauty of early sunsets. I love big, bright leaf piles and the sound of leaves rustling underfoot. I love apple-picking in October (a family tradition) and eating fresh apples that make those wrinkly ones they sell at Stop & Shop taste like styrofoam. This is the only season that makes me really happy to be a New England girl. I may hate humidity in the summer, and neverending winter, but driving down tree-lined roads in the fall makes me forget any resentment I may hold to this part of the country. I confess that I am somewhat of a nature freak. I get this from my dad -rightly dubbed The Tree Guy by his loving children- who would rather be outside than anywhere else. From him I learned to appreciate forests and green grass and tiny flowers with long Latin names. I love going on long walks in November, just to look at the everchanging landscape of my neighborhood. Something about bright orange trees against deeply serious, cloudy skies makes me feel okay, no matter what mood I'm in. Looking at the beauty of nature in autumn fills me with joy and praise to the God who created the amazing color scheme of this season. Another thing I love about this time of year is how poetic and meaningful it can be. This may sound cheesy, but I'm going to say what I think, since this is my blog after all: fall is the season of change. Beautiful, happy change. And to me, that proves that different things can be lovely. We need not be afraid of change if beautiful things come from the change in the fall. Most of the time I'm scared of things ever being different; I hold on too much when I should be letting go. But why am I terrified when there are trees bared and lovely, and pumpkins to be picked, and Halloween carnivals on crisp evenings, all because of a season of change? I love this time of year yet I dread the idea of new things happening in my own life. Maybe I have a lesson to be learned from fall. It's not all about hay rides and not wanting to get out of bed in the morning because you are beyond comfortable and warm under the blankets. It's about accepting new and different experiences for what they really are- beautiful adventures. I like being young enough to learn lessons like that and not regret the time I wasted not knowing so many great and profound things.Well, I regret some things, like stuff I've said in front of my mother, and wardrobe choices I made in the seventh grade. Buuuut that has nothing to do with what I've been talking about, and now I'm rambling. I told you I would. I'm a very predictable person. Anyway, I hope y'all have a lovely fall, and take lots of pictures, and drink too much hot apple cider. Oh, and promise me you won't wear one of those skanky girl's Halloween costumes if you go trick-or-treating. Not only are those outfits degrading, you'll also probably freeze your rear end off. How impractical! --Laura :)
I start my senior year of high school this coming Tuesday. I had to type that in order to believe it. Now, with those words boldly staring back at me on my fingerprint-smudged computer screen, it is starting to sink in. I knew this was coming and I ardently ignored the signs. Nearly all of my friends started school this week; my Facebook news feed has since been clogged with pictures and statuses about fresh starts and uniforms and inevitably huge amounts of homework. All my books are piled neatly on the bottom shelf of the bookcase by the front door (a blessedly smaller pile than last year's). On a drive the other day I noticed some of the trees lining the highway were turning gold, and it's not even September yet. Why have I had such a hard time letting go of summer? Because, to be honest, I don't want to grow up. I am a Peter Pan, avoiding adulthood like the plague for fear of careers and business clothes and responsibility. Yeah, I'm immature. I can shamelessly say that, and my closest friends would quickly agree. I'm a child at heart. I have the inherent ability to be the totally mature, confident young woman that some people admire and trust, yet at the same time, just under the surface, I'm the 6-year-old with an awkward sense of style and messy hair. My idea of getting dressed on days when I don't leave the house is putting on another pair of pajamas or sweats. I intentionally mismatch my socks. I watch Disney movies and sing along to every song (but come on, what girl doesn't know all the words to "A Whole New World" or "I'll Make A Man Out Of You?"). I put sprinkles on my pancakes and forget to brush my hair and consider it a capitol offense when my parents have the audacity to send me to bed early. I don't know why Mom and Dad think it's a wise idea to send me off to college next fall. Who knows how I'll survive guided by my own judgement? With no one to help me cook something -anything- without poisoning the food? No one to tell me to take one or two Tylenol when I'm under the weather? Not having to make my own decisions for seventeen and a half years has been great, but it certainly has not prepared me for The Real World. In all honesty, I love knowing I can still act like a kid and get away with it. I think I still look younger than I am. Being brought up as one of the younger kids in a big family, I spent a lot of time with my little brother and sister (who aren't really little anymore- they're both taller than me). I don't mind. I excuse myself by saying I'm soaking up as much immaturity and whining as I can before I officially become a grown-up and have to act my age. Might as well get it all out of my system now, before crossing the barrier into Adulthood. Well, that's my philosophy. A lot of people might disagree with that, and you know how I would handle them? Probably by sticking out my tongue and laughing maniacally and skipping away. Unleashing my inner 6-year-old is my favorite comeback. Of course, there are possibly people who think I'm a mature, well-raised young lady and would deny everything I have said in this post. To them, I would most likely laugh and shake my head and say, with a smile, "if only you knew." --Laura
p.s, just in case you needed visual proof, here I am in Cookie Monster footy pajamas. Point and case.
It's amazing how fast this summer has gone by, like trees lining the highway. I haven't posted anything in a really long time- I should have after VBS at my church, and the unbelievable missions trip I went on to Boston, and when I got home from Cape Cod. But, I didn't, because I was afraid my words couldn't do justice to how changed I feel after those few short weeks. I learned a thousand lessons and ate several slices of humble pie and cried my eyes out a few times (being like, three times as emotional as I used to be is one way I'm different). I'm the same old Laura -the one who gets enraptured by Pride & Prejudice and bites her nails and thinks about working out more than she actually does- except my perspective has changed. I'm better at accepting myself and other people for who we are, which is huge for me. I'm learning to live as a reformed control freak. I learned that "facing fear, trusting God" isn't just a motto for vacation Bible school, it's the way a fraidy-cat like me should be living life. And when my brother beats me to the bathroom and I can't take a shower, I should stop and thank God, because I have a shower and a brother and some people don't have either. And sometimes you don't need a reason to cry, but other times you need to cry over insecurity and sad endings in books and kids with cancer. As young people, we get the message that we're supposed to have really high expectations for summertime. We're supposed to live with no regrets and say "YOLO" a lot and take candid pictures and have all sorts of adventures before the new school year begins. I know from experience that summer usually isn't all it's cracked up to be because we try too hard to make everything perfect. And, yeah, my summer was far from perfect this time around. But I think that was what made it real. And I'm honored and thankful for all the memories I now have, and the people who were with me on every journey and adventure and new experience. :) Now, it's almost fall- my all-time favorite time of year. I love the everchanging weather and the colors of nature, a constant reminder that there is a Designer who knows how to display His glory in creation. I love being able to wear sweaters again and getting a fresh start to a new school year (even though I'm totally burnt out by March, but come on, who isn't?). This fall is special, because it's my last one I get to experience at home. Next year, I'll be a college freshman- eighteen years old and out on my own, getting to know the world as much as possible beyond the four walls of a drafty dorm room. The universe of Adulthood is fast approaching, and I'm excited and sad and nervous because I still feel like a socially awkward 12-year-old with a bad haircut. I'm utterly unprepared. It's a funny thing when you talk and dream and worry about something, because once it happens, for all your planning you have no idea what to expect. Yet, for once I am not afraid. I know I'm not alone this time- I have a God who endlessly loves me, a supportive family, and some pretty amazing friends who will cheer me on no matter what. And I'm praying that whatever happens to me over the next year, it will prepare me as best as possible for that Great Perhaps lying just outside of my front door. --Laura :)
Summer is here, ladies and gents! For me, it rolled around after a stressful end to junior year and some unnaturally cold June weather. Now, it is precisely 81 degrees outside, and the fireflies are blinking under the trees in the front yard. Oh, and did I mention I am officially a senior in high school? It is now the beginning of the end, and I am both sad and excited about whatever God has in store for me over the next year. Actually, now that I think about it, I get even more excited and happy and proud of myself for making it this far. It's a funny feeling, but I love it all the same:) So far, this summer has been great. And I'm surprised. Last summer I spent too much time overthinking and moping and feeling sorry for myself, and I ruined practically the rest of the year because of the ghosts I let captivate my mind. So, when the last few weeks ended up being lovelier than I had imagined, and the weeks to come started to fill up with things to do, I was pleasantly surprised. I don't know. All of the sudden I'm just really thankful to be here now, doing what I'm doing, and enjoying the life God has blessed me with. It's still a struggle everyday. I have to drag my lackadaisical self out of bed every morning, and work really hard at Positive Thinking, something I have never been a star at doing. Sometimes my sisters drive me up a wall. I get into fights with my younger brother. My friends let me down, or I forget to be there for them. But you know what? That's life, my lovelies. It's usually kind of a letdown if you have unrealistic expectations for the people around you. The only person you should expect to be a superhero is yourself, I believe. But who knows? I'm still very young and inexperienced; I could be wrong. I'll most likely go out into The Big Bad World and make a thousand more mistakes, and (hopefully) learn from a few of them. The very thought of being out on my own someday scares the hell out of me, honestly, especially because that Someday is like, next year. I keep thinking, "I like where I am now. I don't want to change." But...God has a plan for me, and no matter what, I have to trust in his timing. Is that hard for me? Yeah. I'm kind of a control freak when it comes to my own life. But I am learning how to let go. I think I'll always be in a constant state of learning; I'll never fully understand everything about life until, ironically, I die. I can pretend all I want that I have it all figured out, but I honestly never will, which is somewhat of a relief. Anyway, I wanted to close this post with something my friend Grace wrote to me in a letter. I was rereading it this morning, and I was like "Oh my gosh, not only does Grace have a beautiful face, she's also a genius." so, here is the link to Grace's fantastic blog, the one that inspired me to start writing more, and here is what she wrote (hopefully she doesn't mind me sharing this. I think only like 12 people read my blog, so she's got nothing to fear): "I had a thought while staring out the window at the trees. Humans are so much more alive than trees and have so much more to live for and yet trees are so much more peaceful...humans are the most privileged organisms on the planet and Americans are the most privileged of the most privileged and yet everyone is so upset or angry all the time. I don't know. I guess I feel like people are missing the point. There is so much to live for and so much glory that needs to be given to God and people (myself included) miss out on all of it...I just want to be happy, and live and bring glory to the Almighty and give him thanks for this awesome life he's given me to live." Yeah. That pretty much says it all. --Laura :)
So, remember that little sister of mine I told you about in my last post? If you don't, then you should go read my previous post. Right now. Because then and only then will this one make sense, and also that last post was arguably my best one yet:)
My sister has a blog, and in her last post she wrote about what she intends to do with her life, and it got me thinking: what do I want to do? Nothing nearly as exciting as what Rose wants to do, but she's more of a lighthearted dreamer than me. Usually when I dream, my imagination runs away with me and I end up getting upset over problems that only exist in my beautiful mess of a mind.
Yet, still I dream. I can't help myself from letting aimless wonderings about The Future seep through the cracks of my mind. I think about it as I drift off to sleep every night, and sometimes my dreams are so vividly real I become convinced they are premonitions of what's to come.
But what really lies ahead of me, on the footpath of Someday? Only God knows. And, yeah, I know Jeremiah 29:11 by heart like any good Christian girl, but is it wrong for me to want to know what exactly those plans God has for me are?
No, I don't think so.
I know what I want to happen. I want to go to college and learn lots of things, to satisfy my endless question of "why?". I want to make friends and travel the world and experience a culture through the eyes of a foreigner and help as many people as I can. I want to be a nurse, and miraculously graduate nursing school with as minimal college debt as possible. I want to have a cute little house with a wraparound porch and rooms painted in pretty colors and a Golden Retriever named Bingley. I crave adventure, and maybe I'll have a few adventures of my own. I'll read a thousand books and hone a thousand new skills and maybe do some serious work to make the world suck less.
So, these are the things I want to do. There are memories I intend on making, too- being pinned by one of my aunts at my nurse's Pinning, being in my friends' and sisters' weddings, meeting people who make me laugh until tears stream down my cheeks. Oh, and maybe I'll write a book, or have a closet full of cute clothes and shoes, or adopt some orphans, or marry my best friend- agh, there are so many things on my bucket list. Yet I dare to dream that I, by the grace of God, can accomplish them all. And the very thought of doing all these fearful and wonderful things makes me excited and nervous at the same time. In closing, here is the link to my darling, dearest sister's blog. If you're ever having a bad day I highly reccomend you read it, and let the sunshine of her words warm your soul.
This picture basically describes mine and Rose's relationship.
So, as always, I was doing a lot of thinking today, and I realized: I named this blog All The Pretty Things for a reason. Because I wanted to write about the lovely side of life. I wanted to make myself fell better, and maybe even inspire a few people. Yet I have discovered that I have somewhat failed in the area of "positive thinking" and "happy writing." All I've really done so far is write about my so-called problems and post a few pictures of trees that I downloaded off of Google. Myopic? Yes. Inspirational? I think not. Therefore, today I have decided to write about some of the happy thoughts I've had lately. And maybe, someone somewhere will read this, and they'll laugh and smile and feel good on the inside. You never know:) Pretty things that make me happy: 1. Coffee. Yeah, I'm that girl. The one who is a grumpy wolverine every morning when she wakes up at 8:00 B.C (Before Coffee). I am a completely unmotivated, pajama-clad slug until I have a fresh, steaming cup of the sweet nectar of life. I am not even joking when I say that coffee is what gives me strength to face every day (also Jesus- whoa there, I almost sounded like a heretic). Just this week I tried to fast from coffee, but I only lasted for three days. I discovered that me + no caffeine for 72 hours= one lethargic, lifeless human being who naps like a preschooler (I fell asleep after school yesterday and the day before, thus breaking my previous record of Naps Taken This Year, which was zero). I will argue with anyone who says that coffee isn't pretty. Excuse me, but have you been to Starbucks? Have you seen all those pictures hipsters post on Instagram of their mocha frappucinos, piled high with whipped cream in plastic-domed cups? Case and point. 2. My little sister.
vertically speaking, she isn't my little sister, given the fact that she has at least an inch on me when it comes to height (but I am growing, I swear). She is my one and only baby sister, and she is most certainly one of the pretty things that make me happy. Sometimes, I think of myself when I was her age, and I get this funny, pride-like feeling in my gut, because she is so much more herself at fourteen than I ever was. Rosie is hilarious- she has no filter and has been bequeathed by her closest friends with a nickname: The Bucket of Sass. She's also tough as nails- I can be quite the demanding older sister, yet for all the ways I boss her around, or pick on her, she has not let it get to her. Usually I complain, because she can be kind of an introvert, which I find boring. This is what often happens when I ask Rose to join me at some social junction:
Me: "Hey Rose, do you want to come to (insert name of social gathering)?"
Rose: *gives me her signature 'gurl please' face* "No."
Me: "Ugh, whyyyy?"
Rose: "Why not? I have books to read. And Tumblr needs me."
Me: "But you could make some friends if you came with me. And there will be free food."
Rose: "I have all the friends I need right here *gestures to stack of Harry Potter books* and besides. Mom makes me free food."
Me: "God, you're boring."
Rose: "Meh, I am who I is." *goes back to napping*
Although Rose prefers staying in bed and reading books to going out and doing stuff, I admire her. She doesn't need people. She knows who she is, which is something most girls her age cannot say. She's good company when I'm lonely, and we have endless private jokes that the rest of the world shakes their heads at us for. I am so thankful that God has blessed me with a cute, huggable punching bag, therapist, and future maid of honor called my sister.
3. Laughter. I love to laugh. My true sense of humor is sarcastic and slightly inappropriate. I like to laugh at myself sometimes (ironically though, I get Uber-sensitive when people make fun of me, because I always think they're being serious). People with witty senses of humor make me happy. When someone tells a joke, and it hits me right in the funny bone, my immediate reaction is to ask them to be my best friend for all of eternity, or (if they happen to be male) for their hand in marriage. You know that feeling? When you laugh so hard you literally stop breathing, with a painfully happy smile on your face? That is one of the best feelings in the world. I think laughing like that should be a good workout for your abs. If that was the case, I believe people would be motivated to laugh more. Then there would be more laughter in the world, all because some people wanted 6-packs.
4. Music. Usually, music is my go-to when I feel sad, or confused, or just drained. I love lyrics that speak the words I cannot voice, but only feel. I love music that moves me, those songs whose melodies stir up a fire in my soul. Music is certainly a Pretty Thing. Anyone with ears could tell you that. Surely everyone has the One Song that they listen to on repeat until it becomes their own, the one with the lyrics that they've memorized, because they feel like they are their lyrics. Even songs without words speak volumes- I love this one by the fantastic group called the Piano Guys. To me, it sounds hopeful. It sounds like the early morning, right after the sun has come up, when you have hardly said a word and as of yet, the day is unspoiled and full of promise.
Maybe I'm a hopeful sort of person. I definitely expect a lot out of other people, and because of that I end up being disappointed a lot. I believe in the power of music, but I also believe in the power of words. Words can be a person's greatest encouragement, and also their biggest adversary. I believe we have the power to let someone else's words define us. We also have the power to ignore them, to make them meaningless to us. More importantly, we have to make that decision whenever someone says something that could potentially harm or define us- will their words make us, or will they break us? I think it's usually best not to let what anyone says hurt us, unless it is for our own good. The phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is nice and all, but I personally believe that what you decide to not let hurt you really makes you stronger. You get tough, yet vulnerable at the same time. It's a strange conundrum, but it is life, and who am I to question the greatest gift God has ever given me?
Spring has (finally) arrived! I have a hard time putting into words how excited and relieved and almost happy this makes me. The pictures above are not actually ones I took, but they reminded me of what my backyard looks like right now. I can't wait until summer, when I can stay up all night and live a different life and sit out in the hammock all day with my friends, just talking and laughing and watching the everchanging colors of the sky. So, yeah, I'm a bit of an aesthetic romanticist. I also like using big words (I might as well put all that SAT vocab to use) and starting sentences with the word "so". And there are parts of myself -dark, depressing parts, evil emotions and things I've been through- that I will never be able to describe. Ever. And I wish I could, but I can't. Sometimes I just get these feelings and I don't even know what they are, but they make my chest feel heavy and whatever it is inside me starts trying to claw its way out. I am quite familiar with that cold, explosive feeling in the pit of your stomach- you know, the one you get when you find out some of your friends hung out and forgot to invite you. But sometimes I get that feeling when I'm surrounded by the people I like the most, or when the sun is shining and the sky is an everlasting blue. It just comes and overwhelms me, and I withdraw into the dangerous chasm of my mind. Am I depressed, or is this normal? Is it normal to be blind to your own talents and abilities, to say to yourself "they're lying, or just being fake" whenever someone compliments you? Am I crazy? I want answers, more than I wanted to see the green grass and smell the spring wind during the blizzard back in February. Well, now I have the grass, and I can go outside barefoot, and despite all those emotions I just tried (and somewhat failed) to put into words, I feel a little bit more happy and whole. And I have realized that this is probably as good as it's going to get. For all the chasing after happiness we as people do, unaltered happiness is just not reachable here on earth. And maybe that's why God puts that desire for perfection in us. So when our attempts to find it fail, and we end up curled up in bed, biting the sheets to keep our sobs from turning into screams- we understand that the only place real happiness lies is in Heaven. Heaven, where there is true integrity and security, where our concerns about what other people think of us, and our own self-hatred just disappears. Isn't that amazing? I can't believe it took me so long to understand that. Maybe, if I spent less time listening to my own thoughts and turned an ear to the words of the wise people around me, I would have come to terms with this long ago. But hey, everyone grows up at their own pace. Now that this lesson has been learned, I'm having one of those end-of-the-movie moments. You know, that moment when everything ties together in the beautiful, messy way life does, and a chapter closes as everything fades to black with vague hints at a sequel. And in this moment everything feels like it will be okay, and the world is a safe place, even though in the back of my mind, I know I'll have to come back to reality and face the music. But, for now, those battles can wait to be fought another day. Today, the sun is shining, and the Japanese maple tree outside my bedroom window is swaying in the soft breeze. Today, I have everything I could want or need. Today is enough. --Laura :)
There is a battle waging inside of everyone. Even the "happy" people of the world have some inner struggle, one that is unique to their individual personalities. For me, it is this deep sadness, whose icy fingers creep up on me, clawing at my soul when I least expect it. The war fluctuates, in a way. I'll be fine for days
-sometimes weeks- until it consumes me, overwhelming like riptide at the
ocean shore."Sadness" is rather an umbrella term, because to me, that one word means many other things: Depression. Insecurity. Anger. Fear. For many months I let the sadness win. I let it control my life and make me withdrawn. I let it distort my feelings so much that I became unstable, prone to completely random emotional outbursts. My thoughts became disfigured and I resigned myself to a lonely (but unreal) future where I was on the outside, as always, and no one gave a damn about me. That was not so long ago, but to me it feels like a thousand years have passed, that I'm living a different life now because I am such an altered person. It's not that I triumphantly overcame my emotional struggle, had myself a happily ever after, and tied it all up with a big bow and a "The End". I am much more of a realist than that, I have discovered. I have also discovered that our problems here on earth never truly end. There will always be a battle- but are you ready to fight the good fight? Because to be blunt, it is always going to suck. There's no getting around that. You can never be totally free of unhappiness- no one can. And it's so important not to look at your own life and think there is something wrong with you because everyone else looks perfect on the outside and you don't. The difference between them and you is that you see the version of them that they project to the rest of the world, while you see every facet of your not-so-glamorous life. You see all your flaws and shortcomings. You are the only one who sees your brokenhearted self crying on the bathroom floor. You live with yourself every single day, and when you compare yourself to others, you think "I'm not normal. I'm not good enough. I struggle, but no one else does- why?" It's this dizzying cycle that sometimes makes me want to give it all up. But...I am learning to fight the good fight. I am going to battle this sadness throughout my entire life, because I'm (tragically) just like everyone else. And, yeah, I'm going to have good and bad days, and I'm going to fake a lot of smiles and break down from time to time, but I will be fighting the good fight. I won't give up- on myself, on other people, on the world. This place is a mess, full of messy, struggling people who lie about their messes and cry in the shower so no one knows what they're really going through. And I feel like people could work together to do great things in the world if we were just honest with each other. Because who wants to join forces with "perfect" people? --Laura :)
I have spent the past several months asking myself a question over and over again: who am I? And it has only become clear to me very recently that there isn't a straight answer to that question. I think I somewhat expected myself to fit into a box, or a specific category, because I tend to expect other people to thrive under the titles I give them: The Smart One, The Sweet One, The Funny One. You get the picture. But since my expectations for other people were very high, I tended to get let down or upset every time someone did not fit in their box, or stepped outside of it. I spent so much time trying to figure out what my box was, looking for myself and where I belonged. In the end I got extremely frustrated and depressed, on the point of giving up because I felt that I didn't have a place anywhere, that my personality was too inconsistent for anyone to tolerate. But then I realized something- something that most people understand from a very young age, or are inundated with by their parents: people are, in reality, too complicated to be just one thing at a time. We are a startling mess of creatures from day one, and though we may try to generalize and dismiss someone with a laugh and a simple "oh, you're such a (fill in the blank)" it does not honestly work like that. I stumbled upon a quote that sums up this fascinating predicament:
“To say a person is a happy person or an unhappy person is ridiculous. We are a thousand different kinds of people every hour.”--Anthony Doerr
I like to speak in quotes on occasion. I also make up some sayings of my own. I can be really sweet and endearing one moment, and completely sarcastic and cynical the next. I have days where I am extremely self motivated, and days where getting out of bed takes an act of God. I am both an optimist and a pessimist, depending on what day of the week it is. In conclusion, I am an utterly inconsistent human being. I do not fit in a box, and that is okay! A lot of the time I am a totally different person depending on who I'm around. It's not that I'm two-faced, it's that different people leave different impressions on me, and make me comfortable or uncomfortable. And it has taken me seventeen years to understand that this conundrum of Self, the one I battle with on a daily basis, is normal. I love that- thinking something you do is unspeakably weird, only to find out that everyone else does it, to your immense relief. But I'm not always different. Certain things about me will probably always stay the same- things that not many people know about. Like my unquenchable desire to travel the world, and my deep love of Harry Potter (I kid you not, my Hogwarts allegiance runs deeper than anyone may know). I think a lot, which is not always a good thing, but I am learning to channel my thoughts towards something besides self-hatred and what other people think of me (like this blog. I find writing about my emotions to be very cathartic). I have a really small attention span, and -although it hurts my sarcastic pride to admit this- I am somewhat of a hopeless romantic. So, this is me. I'm a mess of different feelings and traits, all jumbled up inside a small and unlikely-looking person. But I kind of like that I can be like this- that everyone is full of different emotions that may not make sense, but are what make them who they are. And I love how different people can bring out different qualities in a person, sometimes good and sometimes bad. It's the tragic mystery of the human soul that makes me want to stick around for a long, long time, because maybe someday, I just might figure it out. --Laura :)
I have come to the conclusion that I have an early onset case of Senioritis. For those of you unfamiliar with this debilitating disease, I shall fill in the blanks. Senioritis is a condition that most often affects (or is it effects? I literally just spent 7.5 minutes of my life debating that) high school students in the 12th grade. Symptoms include loss of interest (in friends, school, activities) and the paradoxical urge to leave home, yet stay because this is the only place you've ever really known. I'm a junior. I just took my SATs. I'm leaving on Monday for my very first visit to a college that is at the top of my list (Eastern University in St Davids, PA. Eeee!). I have a lovely life here. I am overwhelmingly blessed by a loving family, utterly amazing friends, and a church that would probably be there for me if I ever asked. Yet I can't help thinking, "I just wanna get the hell out of here. Now. Eighteen months from now I'll be in a different place with different people. I'll be starting a new chapter of my life. Could the time pass a little faster?" And I feel bad for feeling that way. I think I'm sending a message to all the important people in my life that says "you aren't good enough for me." Why do I feel this way? To be honest, I am tired. I am tired of the day-to-day routine of school and sleeping and then more school, waiting for the weekend to bring a change of scenery. I am tired of being put in a box by people who only know the cardboard-cutout version of me. I am tired of being blackballed by some people because I have the audacity on occasion to be myself. I am tired of being overlooked, left out, misunderstood, self-centered and undermined. Essentially, I am tired of anything and everything to do with high school. I hate the "you gotta fake it to make it" atmosphere, with the paper doll people and their ingenuine smiles that mask their broken hearts. I hate that I feel like I don't fit in because I don't like the boring conversations that go in circles. I just want to go someplace where people are real, and I feel like that place is college. But I know I'm wrong, because no matter where I go I am going to encounter people who are insecure and hurting and incomplete. And despite all my desires to leave town, I have this dark fear that I will miss it. I know I will. I'll miss sleeping in on summer days and laughing with the people I like the most and primarily, I'll miss my mommy. Am I the only person who feels this way? There are a lot of things I can blame for my current state of emotions. First of all, I live in Connecticut, the most boring and expensive state in the Union. Often I feel too poor to do anything around here, so I do nothing. I'm not joking. I Googled Connecticut and this is what popped up in Images:
Secondly, I seem to be surrounded by droves of people who do things voluntarily, out of obligation, and Christian duty. This is not to rag on anyone specifically. I am one of those people. And I so wish it was different, that someone understood that I LOVE spontaneity and people who want to have crazy, you-only-live-once adventures with me and don't care if it makes them look undignified. I like being accepted for who I am on the inside, for my true and honest heart. But a lot of the time I feel like people only accept me superficially. Is that my fault? Do I deserve what I seem to be getting? Or maybe I feel this way because that is the way life is. it's this huge, complicated conundrum that we take too seriously. Lately I've been trying to live by the Bible verse that says "eat, drink, be merry!" But I'm starting to discover that life can't be all about having fun. There are always going to be little things that hurt me and make me angry. I am always going to struggle with my insecurities: my self-esteem, self-image, and depression. Because that is simply who I am, and no matter how far I run, I cannot escape myself and all my baggage. Yet I feel like leaving all of this behind me -all the heartbreak and hurting, the lies and painful truth- will somehow make me whole. Part of me wants to uproot myself and bravely go where I have never gone before, yet the rest of me wishes I could just shirk all my responsibilities, stay in my pajamas all day, and watch a movie with my mom. All of these feelings are swirling around inside of me like some whirlpool, and it makes me want to scream. That's why I posted this- to get it all off my chest. It was never to offend anyone, or make anyone feel sorry for me. It was merely a way for me to vent my sadness, which is why I started this blog in the first place. And if you've actually read this whole thing, please don't pity me. Just understand. --Laura :)
If someone were to ask me how my life has been lately, my response would be *in a tone of surprise* "really good, actually." But why am I surprised? Because for the past few months I've been a pessimistic baby who only recently learned how to suck it up and just be thankful for what I have. There. I said it. I like to talk about how much I appreciate it when people are honest and to the point, when all I do is lie to myself. Ironic, huh? I've been in a good mood lately, and there are several reasons why. 1) I FINALLY took my SATs. After studying for them for what felt like 4,000 years, I ended up taking them at the high school in Monroe, where I knew nobody, but whatever. I'm used to being an awkward turtle. I walked out of the school after the 4-hour test (which was 3 and 1/2 hours too long, in my opinion) and let the lovely March sunshine kiss my face, feeling relieved. Actually, that is an understatement. I had to resist the urge to start singing and dancing, because I never ever -unless my scores come back and it turns out I have the IQ of a sloth- have to study vocabulary words (most of which were superfluous, pretentious and irrelevant), drill myself on critical reading passages, or deal with grid-in math problems again. Now I can spend my free time doing absolutely nothing! Words cannot express how happy this makes me. 2) Spring has almost sprung! I love this time of year, when I can walk outside and feel the wind that has lost the bitterness of winter blow my hair out of my face. Crocuses are popping up in Mom's garden, their bright colors contrasting with the harsh, brown dirt. They say scent is the strongest memory trigger, and smelling the early springtime air bringsme back to all the other Connecticut springs I've experienced, flashing back in my mind like pages flipping in a book. I am earnestly anticipating the days when I can go on long walks and drink in the natural beauty God has put on display all around us- in the blossoms of a cherry tree, or the way the colors of the sunset blend together inheartbreaking harmony. 3) I've been awfully nostalgic lately. Thinking back on the last couple of years, reading books I've read before, listening to my old music, reminiscing over people and the adventures I've had with them. All this time, I've been wondering: would I have done it differently? Sometimes, when I feel especially lonely, I regret never telling someone how I really felt, or missing opportunities, or not asking the questions that were so heavy on my heart, some of which I didn't find the answers to until recently. But on my happier days I know: I wouldn't have changed a thing. Because without that shy girl, the one with bushy Hermione Granger hair and no self-confidence, I wouldn't be the young woman (aghhh it feels weird saying that!) I'm becoming. I'm still awkward, and sometimes when I look in the mirror I'm like "really? So this is the face I'm stuck with for the rest of my life?" and my relationship status (as my dear sister Mary Kate would say) is 'single as a Pringle and failing to mingle'. But this is my life, and no one else can touch that. God has me where I am for a reason. And someday, someone will look at my face and be like "oh my gosh. I like that face. I wanna see more of that face. I wanna marry that face." Thinking about all the Somedays in my future is what keeps me going, most days:) 4) Tomorrow I am leaving to stay with friends of mine over Break. These two lovely ladies -the enthusiastic, curly-haired writer and the beautiful, Asian musician- are on my list of Coolest People In The Universe, and I cannot wait to spend an entire week with them!! I'm so thankful to have such spastic, amazing friends in my life, and I'm looking forward to creating some more memories with them, to think back on on my Nostalgic Days. Goodness, this post was long. I think I've felt this way about everything I've posted thus far...I guess I just have a lot to say. "My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations" as John Green wrote. Anyway, until next time, here's a song I found that pretty much sounds like my emotions at present: it's placid and contemplative and profound (okay, sooo maybe I lied. Maybe those SAT vocab words actually do come in handy). --Laura:)
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I already think too much, more than the average human being should- most of my thoughts revolve around myself. I hate being alone with my thoughts, because I get depressed by them; I have to physically lift myself out of whatever lonely corner I've stashed myself away in (usually the beanbag in my room, or my bed) and find someone to talk to. I love interacting with other people, because it makes me happy. What I love most is seeing someone get excited about something- an idea, a hobby, even something that drives them crazy- because when that happens, you get a glimpse of who they really are, and what it is that stirs up a flame in the ashes of their soul (did that make sense? I think it did). So I've realized that I think too much, and I'm very self-centered, and I like to start a lot of sentences with the word "so". Is any of that normal? Usually, I think my habits and thought patterns are really abnormal, only to discover that everyone else does the same things I do, and thinks the very same thoughts as me. Which is kind of a letdown, since I wish I was more of an individual, but I figure if we're all the same, at least we're all the same together. :) What's been on my mind lately isn't exactly something I could post as a status on Facebook. I've been wondering: am I going to live a meaningful life, and leave even the tiniest of impacts in this world? Or am I going to die someday -only God knows when- and have a thousand regrets playing back in my head as I draw my final breath? It's been said you regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you do. I am relatively young, but I can definitely attest to that. My biggest fear is of the future: of not being where I want to be in ten years because I gave up. Of never doing. I want to do things with my life- and this isn't about being famous, or having lots of power, or taking over the universe. I want to help people, and give back -in my community as well as the rest of the world- using the talents God has given me. And I want to get started now. But there are a lot of things in my way, most of them having to do with myself: I'm still (technically) a young girl. I have little to no power, or faith in myself. I don't have the resources or the support or good enough ideas for anyone to take me seriously. And I get easily distracted (as you can probably tell, I have an affinity for rabbit-trailing) which is why I'm still on square one. I've felt like this for a loooong time, but since the beginning of the year it's been occupying my thoughts more and more. Probably because I've been reading two very amazing books, the first of which being The Fault In Our Stars by the highly inspirational (and hilarious. Seriously. Look him up on YouTube) John Green. It's this heartbreaking, yet thought-provoking novel about two teenagers with cancer who wonder how they will be remembered after they both die. There's much more to the story than that, but if you're one of those people who loves happy romance novels where everything gets tied up in a nice bow at the end, you probably wouldn't like it (but you should still read it, because it was phenomenal, and, in my humble opinion, slightly more realistic than your typical happily-ever-after fairy tale). It got me thinking: everyone remembers Albert Einstein, because he was great and did great things...but will anyone remember me, long after I die? It also made me realize, conversely, that I don't have to be remembered by everyone everywhere. As long as the people I love the very most, or those whose lives I (hopefully) impact someday remember me, then does it really matter what the rest of the world thinks of me? No. As long as I do what God put me here on earth to do -to love and serve others well- then I need not be remembered by droves of people. Which brings me to the second book, which I am currently reading: The Hole In Our Gospel, by Richard Stearns. And it's HUGE, in both the physical sense and the topical. It's about what the Gospel is really asking of us as Christians- to go into the world and live out the message of Christ by loving others and serving them. This book has made me think differently. Like, completely reshaped my ideas about college and the future. And while it has changed my ideas about down the road, I want it to change what I'm doing right now. And it has, somewhat...but like I said earlier, I'm still on square one because I create a lot of the obstacles in between who I am now and who I want to be. So, if you're still reading this (because this was a reeeeally long post, but I regret nothing) I want you to know that I really appreciate your interest in my somewhat boring and unoriginal life. And if you feel as I do about wanting to change the world, then let's collaborate with some ideas. Let's support and pray for each other and be small-town superheroes (like the Avengers! Actually, not really at all like the Avengers. I just really like the Avengers, okay? Again, I regret nothing) and maybe someday, we can look back on our lives and say we did not just survive, but we lived, and made someone else's life a little easier. Okay? I have to go now. But I couldn't be done without showing y'all this picture, because it has to do with my interest in the Avengers. Plus, it's really funny, because it has to do with cats. Don't judge me ;)
Hello! If you are reading this, I presume that means either a) you survived the snow apocalypse of 2013, or b)you are from some distant, possibly tropical corner of the world. If the former is true, then congratulations! You and I can officially join the ranks of the survivors who weathered through this storm. If the latter is true, then I envy you deeply...and wonder what the heck you're doing reading some random teenage girl's blog... But anyway. The blizzard Charlotte. The storm that wreaked havoc everywhere around me, giving me yet another reason why I intend on moving as far South as possible after college. Even now, as I look out the window, I am bewildered and blinded by the snowdrifts piled precariously on either side of our driveway...most of them are taller than me (which isn't really saying much, but still). I have never, in my seventeen years of existence, seen so much snow fall at once. I am overwhelmed and in awe at the same time: overwhelmed by the massive amounts of snow that won't melt for who knows how long, and in awe of the strange and powerful God who put it all here. Does that ever happen to you? You see some huge and scary act of nature, and all you can think or say is "Wow."? That is exactly how I feel right now. I feel wowed. Okay, so this freak snowstorm blows in and dumps almost three feet of snow on me, knocking out our power for 24 hours and ruining my weekend plans. And I had to shovel (ugh) and spend an evening in the dark with my family, most of whom were going through internet withdrawal. And my dad got upset because nobody wanted to cook a 4-course dinner over the fireplace, like he did when he was a mountain man growing up in Vermont. But you know what? It was enchanting to watch the world outside my bedroom window undergo such fierce change over the course of the last 2 days. And I got to spend some quality time with my family, playing board games by candlelight and reminiscing about our long gone childhood days. And I felt strangely safe, huddled under blankets in the living room and listening to the wind howl around the corners of the house. This morning I was outside shoveling (again). The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. And if you closed your eyes and really tried to focus, it almost felt like spring. Then my neighbors snapped and plowed our street out enough for the power trucks to get through and restore our electricity, and we all lived happily ever after. I wanted to conclude this post with pictures of what I miss most right now. I hope all of you are safe and warm and out of the way of the weather, and that y'all have a great week. WHAT I MISS MOST: grass
I decided to start this post off by saying that I had absolutely no idea how to start off this post. I've never been any good at introductions. I like to just dive into things and skip the monotony of a beginning because usually, when I get bored with something early on, I don't finish it. I love people I can just talk or text to without having to go through the motions of "hi" "hey" "how are you?" "I'm good, how are you?". I like being able to talk to someone and just pick up right where we left off. There need to be more people like that in the world, I think. Anyway, I wanted to dedicate this post to the month of January, because usually January kind of sucks, but it didn't for me this year. For as long as I can remember, this cold and bitter month of my birth has been snowy, boring, and a bit of a letdown (I don't care what people with December birthdays say. The chagrin of their birth month sort of carries on into the next). Yet surprisingly, January 2013 was pretty great. And it wasn't just because of things that happened to me -because believe me, some pretty bad stuff went on too- but also because of the ways I handled them, good and bad. I resolved at the end of last year that I would do my best to stop feeling sorry for myself and try to be less of a Debby Downer. I figured a new year was a prime opportunity for some change, a chance to start over (which is ironic, since I just went on about how I hate beginnings). And you know what? Despite some bad days, and a couple of tough goodbyes, I'd say this year has been off to a pretty great start. I turned seventeen and went on some whimsical adventures with friends of mine. I danced like a crazy lady and even got to check a couple of things off my bucket list. Overall, I've discovered that when you approach life with a positive attitude, and focus less on yourself and more on loving other people, it really alters your perspective. It changes you, which is big for a girl who doesn't do too well with change. I can honestly say that I'm not afraid of whatever else this year throws at me, and I hope that whatever I do brings glory to God. Well, I'm done for now. But I wanted to leave you with some words of wisdom: 1. Read Colossians 3:12-17. It's pretty great :) 2. Dance like nobody's watching 3. Listen to more Mumford and Sons. Here are some lyrics from their song "Winter Winds" that I just love:
“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy
and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.”
― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Hello people of earth, and welcome to my blog.
I have wanted to start something like this for a very long time, but so many things kept getting in the way. Mostly, my own fears that no one would ever read this, and if they did they would hate it and hate me. But I have come to realize that none of that matters, and I shouldn't let what other people think run my life. So, if you are reading this, I hope you understand that this is my blog, therefore most of what I write about will be about me and my life. I've finally decided to start this because I really need to express my own thoughts. I have a lot of them, and if I keep them bottled up inside I'm sure I'll burst. I like to write, and I figure writing about what I know best -my own life- will help chase away the sadness that has been dogging me lately. So. Since this is my first post I guess I'll tell you about myself, who I am and what I like and don't like. Firstly, I love Jesus. I love Him and everything He has done, for me and for other people. I am an undeserving sinner, caught up in the indescribable grace of God, and for that I am eternally grateful. Secondly, I am a flawed human being. I say that a lot to remind myself that I can never be perfect, which is hard for me to accept because I am a huge perfectionist/people pleaser. There are so many things I want to do but haven't done yet out of fear that I'll screw them up. Also, I overthink everything, thus creating problems that don't exist. I get lonely really easily and I have a hard time seeing beyond my own so-called problems. I'd also like to say that I have a very sarcastic -and hilarious, if I do say so myself- sense of humor. I love adventure, and someday I am going to travel the world and see all the places I've fallen in love with through photographs. I drink too much coffee and I'm really bad at motivating myself to workout. I love music, especially songs with lyrics that really speak to my soul. Currently I listen to a lot of Mumford and Sons, Ed Sheeran, Tenth Avenue North, and lots of others that would take me far too long to list. I love my wonderful -although slightly insane- friends, who have stuck with me no matter what. I honestly don't know where I would be today without them. So this is me. I have many hopes and dreams, but for right now I'm stuck here, trying to figure out who I really am and what God's plan is for my life. Since this post is a bit long, I think I'll end it now. And if you've actually read this whole thing, I hope you stick around until next time. Bye for now, --Laura
