I have come to the conclusion that I have an early onset case of Senioritis. For those of you unfamiliar with this debilitating disease, I shall fill in the blanks. Senioritis is a condition that most often affects (or is it effects? I literally just spent 7.5 minutes of my life debating that) high school students in the 12th grade. Symptoms include loss of interest (in friends, school, activities) and the paradoxical urge to leave home, yet stay because this is the only place you've ever really known. I'm a junior. I just took my SATs. I'm leaving on Monday for my very first visit to a college that is at the top of my list (Eastern University in St Davids, PA. Eeee!). I have a lovely life here. I am overwhelmingly blessed by a loving family, utterly amazing friends, and a church that would probably be there for me if I ever asked. Yet I can't help thinking, "I just wanna get the hell out of here. Now. Eighteen months from now I'll be in a different place with different people. I'll be starting a new chapter of my life. Could the time pass a little faster?" And I feel bad for feeling that way. I think I'm sending a message to all the important people in my life that says "you aren't good enough for me." Why do I feel this way? To be honest, I am tired. I am tired of the day-to-day routine of school and sleeping and then more school, waiting for the weekend to bring a change of scenery. I am tired of being put in a box by people who only know the cardboard-cutout version of me. I am tired of being blackballed by some people because I have the audacity on occasion to be myself. I am tired of being overlooked, left out, misunderstood, self-centered and undermined. Essentially, I am tired of anything and everything to do with high school. I hate the "you gotta fake it to make it" atmosphere, with the paper doll people and their ingenuine smiles that mask their broken hearts. I hate that I feel like I don't fit in because I don't like the boring conversations that go in circles. I just want to go someplace where people are real, and I feel like that place is college. But I know I'm wrong, because no matter where I go I am going to encounter people who are insecure and hurting and incomplete. And despite all my desires to leave town, I have this dark fear that I will miss it. I know I will. I'll miss sleeping in on summer days and laughing with the people I like the most and primarily, I'll miss my mommy. Am I the only person who feels this way? There are a lot of things I can blame for my current state of emotions. First of all, I live in Connecticut, the most boring and expensive state in the Union. Often I feel too poor to do anything around here, so I do nothing. I'm not joking. I Googled Connecticut and this is what popped up in Images:
Secondly, I seem to be surrounded by droves of people who do things voluntarily, out of obligation, and Christian duty. This is not to rag on anyone specifically. I am one of those people. And I so wish it was different, that someone understood that I LOVE spontaneity and people who want to have crazy, you-only-live-once adventures with me and don't care if it makes them look undignified. I like being accepted for who I am on the inside, for my true and honest heart. But a lot of the time I feel like people only accept me superficially. Is that my fault? Do I deserve what I seem to be getting? Or maybe I feel this way because that is the way life is. it's this huge, complicated conundrum that we take too seriously. Lately I've been trying to live by the Bible verse that says "eat, drink, be merry!" But I'm starting to discover that life can't be all about having fun. There are always going to be little things that hurt me and make me angry. I am always going to struggle with my insecurities: my self-esteem, self-image, and depression. Because that is simply who I am, and no matter how far I run, I cannot escape myself and all my baggage. Yet I feel like leaving all of this behind me -all the heartbreak and hurting, the lies and painful truth- will somehow make me whole. Part of me wants to uproot myself and bravely go where I have never gone before, yet the rest of me wishes I could just shirk all my responsibilities, stay in my pajamas all day, and watch a movie with my mom. All of these feelings are swirling around inside of me like some whirlpool, and it makes me want to scream. That's why I posted this- to get it all off my chest. It was never to offend anyone, or make anyone feel sorry for me. It was merely a way for me to vent my sadness, which is why I started this blog in the first place. And if you've actually read this whole thing, please don't pity me. Just understand. --Laura :)
If someone were to ask me how my life has been lately, my response would be *in a tone of surprise* "really good, actually." But why am I surprised? Because for the past few months I've been a pessimistic baby who only recently learned how to suck it up and just be thankful for what I have. There. I said it. I like to talk about how much I appreciate it when people are honest and to the point, when all I do is lie to myself. Ironic, huh? I've been in a good mood lately, and there are several reasons why. 1) I FINALLY took my SATs. After studying for them for what felt like 4,000 years, I ended up taking them at the high school in Monroe, where I knew nobody, but whatever. I'm used to being an awkward turtle. I walked out of the school after the 4-hour test (which was 3 and 1/2 hours too long, in my opinion) and let the lovely March sunshine kiss my face, feeling relieved. Actually, that is an understatement. I had to resist the urge to start singing and dancing, because I never ever -unless my scores come back and it turns out I have the IQ of a sloth- have to study vocabulary words (most of which were superfluous, pretentious and irrelevant), drill myself on critical reading passages, or deal with grid-in math problems again. Now I can spend my free time doing absolutely nothing! Words cannot express how happy this makes me. 2) Spring has almost sprung! I love this time of year, when I can walk outside and feel the wind that has lost the bitterness of winter blow my hair out of my face. Crocuses are popping up in Mom's garden, their bright colors contrasting with the harsh, brown dirt. They say scent is the strongest memory trigger, and smelling the early springtime air bringsme back to all the other Connecticut springs I've experienced, flashing back in my mind like pages flipping in a book. I am earnestly anticipating the days when I can go on long walks and drink in the natural beauty God has put on display all around us- in the blossoms of a cherry tree, or the way the colors of the sunset blend together inheartbreaking harmony. 3) I've been awfully nostalgic lately. Thinking back on the last couple of years, reading books I've read before, listening to my old music, reminiscing over people and the adventures I've had with them. All this time, I've been wondering: would I have done it differently? Sometimes, when I feel especially lonely, I regret never telling someone how I really felt, or missing opportunities, or not asking the questions that were so heavy on my heart, some of which I didn't find the answers to until recently. But on my happier days I know: I wouldn't have changed a thing. Because without that shy girl, the one with bushy Hermione Granger hair and no self-confidence, I wouldn't be the young woman (aghhh it feels weird saying that!) I'm becoming. I'm still awkward, and sometimes when I look in the mirror I'm like "really? So this is the face I'm stuck with for the rest of my life?" and my relationship status (as my dear sister Mary Kate would say) is 'single as a Pringle and failing to mingle'. But this is my life, and no one else can touch that. God has me where I am for a reason. And someday, someone will look at my face and be like "oh my gosh. I like that face. I wanna see more of that face. I wanna marry that face." Thinking about all the Somedays in my future is what keeps me going, most days:) 4) Tomorrow I am leaving to stay with friends of mine over Break. These two lovely ladies -the enthusiastic, curly-haired writer and the beautiful, Asian musician- are on my list of Coolest People In The Universe, and I cannot wait to spend an entire week with them!! I'm so thankful to have such spastic, amazing friends in my life, and I'm looking forward to creating some more memories with them, to think back on on my Nostalgic Days. Goodness, this post was long. I think I've felt this way about everything I've posted thus far...I guess I just have a lot to say. "My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations" as John Green wrote. Anyway, until next time, here's a song I found that pretty much sounds like my emotions at present: it's placid and contemplative and profound (okay, sooo maybe I lied. Maybe those SAT vocab words actually do come in handy). --Laura:)
