So I've realized that I think too much, and I'm very self-centered, and I like to start a lot of sentences with the word "so". Is any of that normal? Usually, I think my habits and thought patterns are really abnormal, only to discover that everyone else does the same things I do, and thinks the very same thoughts as me. Which is kind of a letdown, since I wish I was more of an individual, but I figure if we're all the same, at least we're all the same together. :)
What's been on my mind lately isn't exactly something I could post as a status on Facebook. I've been wondering: am I going to live a meaningful life, and leave even the tiniest of impacts in this world? Or am I going to die someday -only God knows when- and have a thousand regrets playing back in my head as I draw my final breath? It's been said you regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you do. I am relatively young, but I can definitely attest to that. My biggest fear is of the future: of not being where I want to be in ten years because I gave up. Of never doing. I want to do things with my life- and this isn't about being famous, or having lots of power, or taking over the universe. I want to help people, and give back -in my community as well as the rest of the world- using the talents God has given me. And I want to get started now. But there are a lot of things in my way, most of them having to do with myself: I'm still (technically) a young girl. I have little to no power, or faith in myself. I don't have the resources or the support or good enough ideas for anyone to take me seriously. And I get easily distracted (as you can probably tell, I have an affinity for rabbit-trailing) which is why I'm still on square one.
I've felt like this for a loooong time, but since the beginning of the year it's been occupying my thoughts more and more. Probably because I've been reading two very amazing books, the first of which being The Fault In Our Stars by the highly inspirational (and hilarious. Seriously. Look him up on YouTube) John Green. It's this heartbreaking, yet thought-provoking novel about two teenagers with cancer who wonder how they will be remembered after they both die. There's much more to the story than that, but if you're one of those people who loves happy romance novels where everything gets tied up in a nice bow at the end, you probably wouldn't like it (but you should still read it, because it was phenomenal, and, in my humble opinion, slightly more realistic than your typical happily-ever-after fairy tale). It got me thinking: everyone remembers Albert Einstein, because he was great and did great things...but will anyone remember me, long after I die? It also made me realize, conversely, that I don't have to be remembered by everyone everywhere. As long as the people I love the very most, or those whose lives I (hopefully) impact someday remember me, then does it really matter what the rest of the world thinks of me? No. As long as I do what God put me here on earth to do -to love and serve others well- then I need not be remembered by droves of people.
Which brings me to the second book, which I am currently reading: The Hole In Our Gospel, by Richard Stearns. And it's HUGE, in both the physical sense and the topical. It's about what the Gospel is really asking of us as Christians- to go into the world and live out the message of Christ by loving others and serving them. This book has made me think differently. Like, completely reshaped my ideas about college and the future. And while it has changed my ideas about down the road, I want it to change what I'm doing right now. And it has, somewhat...but like I said earlier, I'm still on square one because I create a lot of the obstacles in between who I am now and who I want to be. So, if you're still reading this (because this was a reeeeally long post, but I regret nothing) I want you to know that I really appreciate your interest in my somewhat boring and unoriginal life. And if you feel as I do about wanting to change the world, then let's collaborate with some ideas. Let's support and pray for each other and be small-town superheroes (like the Avengers! Actually, not really at all like the Avengers. I just really like the Avengers, okay? Again, I regret nothing) and maybe someday, we can look back on our lives and say we did not just survive, but we lived, and made someone else's life a little easier. Okay?
I have to go now. But I couldn't be done without showing y'all this picture, because it has to do with my interest in the Avengers. Plus, it's really funny, because it has to do with cats. Don't judge me ;)
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