Restless.

I have come to the conclusion that I have an early onset case of Senioritis. For those of you unfamiliar with this debilitating disease, I shall fill in the blanks. Senioritis is a condition that most often affects (or is it effects? I literally just spent 7.5 minutes of my life debating that) high school students in the 12th grade. Symptoms include loss of interest (in friends, school, activities) and the paradoxical urge to leave home, yet stay because this is the only place  you've ever really known.
  I'm a junior. I just took my SATs. I'm leaving on Monday for my very first visit to a college that is at the top of my list (Eastern University in St Davids, PA. Eeee!). I have a lovely life here. I am overwhelmingly blessed by a loving family, utterly amazing friends, and a church that would probably  be there for me if I ever asked. Yet I can't help thinking, "I just wanna get the hell out of here. Now. Eighteen months from now I'll be in a different place with different people. I'll be starting a new chapter of my life. Could the time pass a little faster?" And I feel bad for feeling that way. I think I'm sending a message to all the important people in my life that says "you aren't good enough for me." Why do I feel this way?
  To be honest, I am tired. I am tired of the day-to-day routine of school and sleeping and then more school, waiting for the weekend to bring a change of scenery. I am tired of being put in a box by people who only know the cardboard-cutout version of me. I am tired of being blackballed by some people because I have the audacity on occasion to be myself. I am tired of being overlooked, left out, misunderstood, self-centered and undermined. Essentially, I am tired of anything and everything to do with high school. I hate the "you gotta fake it to make it" atmosphere, with the paper doll people and their ingenuine smiles that mask their broken hearts. I hate that I feel like I don't fit in because I don't like the boring conversations that go in circles. I just want to go someplace where people are real, and I feel like that place is college. But I know I'm wrong, because no matter where I go I am going to encounter people who are insecure and hurting and incomplete. And despite all my desires to leave town, I have this dark fear that I will miss it. I know I will. I'll miss sleeping in on summer days and laughing with the people I like the most and primarily, I'll miss my mommy. Am I the only person who feels this way? 
  There are a lot of  things I can blame for my current state of emotions. First of all, I live in Connecticut, the  most boring and expensive state in the Union. Often I feel too poor to do anything around here, so I do nothing. I'm not joking. I Googled Connecticut and this is what popped up in Images:

  Secondly, I seem to be surrounded by droves of people who do things voluntarily, out of obligation, and Christian duty. This is not to rag on anyone specifically. I am one of those people. And I so wish it was different, that someone understood that I LOVE spontaneity and people who want to have crazy, you-only-live-once adventures with me and don't care if it makes them look undignified. I like being accepted for who I am on the inside, for my true and honest heart. But a lot of the time I feel like people only accept me superficially. Is that my fault? Do I deserve what I seem to be getting?
  Or maybe I feel this way because that is the way life is. it's this huge, complicated conundrum that we take too seriously. Lately I've been trying to live by the Bible verse that says "eat, drink, be merry!" But I'm starting to discover that life can't be all about having fun. There are always going to be little things that hurt me and make me angry. I am always going to struggle with my insecurities: my self-esteem, self-image, and depression. Because that is simply who I am, and no matter how far I run, I cannot escape myself and all my baggage. Yet I feel like leaving all of this behind me -all the heartbreak and hurting, the lies and painful truth- will somehow make me whole. Part of me wants to uproot myself and bravely go where I have never gone before, yet the rest of me wishes I could just shirk all my responsibilities, stay in my pajamas all day, and watch a movie with my mom. 
  All of these feelings are swirling around inside of me like some whirlpool, and it makes me want to scream. That's why I posted this- to get it all off my chest. It was never to offend anyone, or make anyone feel sorry for me. It was merely a way for me to vent my sadness, which is why I started this blog in the first place. And if you've actually read this whole thing, please don't pity me. Just understand.
--Laura :)