Thursday, March 14, 2013

Life and Love and Why

If someone were to ask me how my life has been lately, my response would be *in a tone of surprise* "really good, actually." But why am I surprised? Because for the past few months I've been a pessimistic baby who only recently learned how to suck it up and just be thankful for what I have. There. I said it. I like to talk about how much I appreciate it when people are honest and to the point, when all I do is lie to myself. Ironic, huh?
  I've been in a good mood lately, and there are several reasons why.
1) I FINALLY took my SATs. After studying for them for what felt like 4,000 years, I ended up taking them at the high school in Monroe, where I knew nobody, but whatever. I'm used to being an awkward turtle.  I walked out of the school after the 4-hour test (which was 3 and 1/2 hours too long, in my opinion) and let the lovely March sunshine kiss my face, feeling relieved. Actually, that is an understatement. I had to resist the urge to start singing and dancing, because I never ever -unless my  scores come back and it turns out I have the IQ of a sloth- have to study vocabulary words (most of which were superfluous, pretentious and irrelevant), drill myself on critical reading passages, or deal with grid-in math problems again. Now I can spend my free time doing absolutely nothing! Words cannot express how happy this makes me.
2) Spring has almost sprung! I love this time of year, when I can walk outside and feel the wind that has lost the bitterness of winter blow my hair out of my face. Crocuses are popping up in Mom's garden, their bright colors contrasting with the harsh, brown dirt. They say scent is the strongest memory trigger, and smelling the early springtime air brings me back to all the other Connecticut springs I've experienced, flashing back in my mind like pages flipping in a book. I am earnestly anticipating the days when I can go on long walks and drink in the natural beauty God has put on display all around us- in the blossoms of a cherry tree, or the way the colors of the sunset blend together in heartbreaking harmony.
3) I've been awfully nostalgic lately. Thinking back on the last couple of years, reading books I've read before, listening to my old music, reminiscing over people and the adventures I've had with them. All this time, I've been wondering: would I have done it differently? Sometimes, when I feel especially lonely, I regret never telling someone how I really felt, or missing opportunities, or not asking the questions that were so heavy on my heart, some of which I didn't find the answers to until recently. But on my happier days I know: I wouldn't have changed a thing. Because without that shy girl, the one with bushy Hermione Granger hair and no self-confidence, I wouldn't be the young woman (aghhh it feels weird saying that!) I'm becoming. I'm still awkward, and sometimes when I look in the mirror I'm like "really? So this is the face I'm stuck with for the rest of my life?" and my relationship status (as my dear sister Mary Kate would say) is 'single as a Pringle and failing to mingle'. But this is my life, and no one else can touch that. God has me where I am for a reason. And someday, someone will look at my face and be like "oh my gosh. I like that face. I wanna see more of that face. I wanna marry that face." Thinking about all the Somedays in my future is what keeps me going, most days:)
4) Tomorrow I am leaving to stay with friends of mine over Break. These two lovely ladies -the enthusiastic, curly-haired writer and the beautiful, Asian musician- are on my list of Coolest People In The Universe, and I cannot wait to spend an entire week with them!! I'm so thankful to have such spastic, amazing friends in my life, and I'm looking forward to creating some more memories with them, to think back on on my Nostalgic Days.
  Goodness, this post was long. I think I've felt this way about everything I've posted thus far...I guess I just have a lot to say. "My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations" as John Green wrote. Anyway, until next time, here's a song I found that pretty much sounds like my emotions at present: it's placid and contemplative and profound (okay, sooo maybe I lied. Maybe those SAT vocab words actually do come in handy).
--Laura:)

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