Love and madness.

    Growing up is a scary thing. One minute I'm a mess, the next I'm able to look back with a bittersweet smile and see how far I've come. I've been in the looking-back phase lately, and it has come to my attention that I have quite fallen out of love with the idea of being in love.
    When I was younger, I felt like I always had to like some boy- whether he was my friend's older brother or a character from a book or movie. It was a cycle that ended very messily a couple of years ago, when I woke up to the fact that 1) my behavior was destructive to me mentally and emotionally, and 2) it was seriously getting in the way of my relationship with God. So I stopped. Not right away- I ripped the metaphorical Band-Aid off all at once and boy, did it hurt like Hell. It took me a long time to heal, to find something else to focus on, to fill the void in my mind that had once been captivated with thoughts about boys and love and relationships. Thank God He brought me out of that dark place, that I might be more in love with Him than the idea of some boy or another that I barely knew outside of my head. "But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace\to me was not without effect." -1st Corinthians 15:10 is a verse that I seriously love, and feel practically applies to how gracious God has been to me, and how little I deserve His grace, throughout this messy process.

another translation of this verse that offers somewhat of a different perspective and I kind of love it :)

   I used to be in love with being in love. Actually, let me rephrase that- I was in love with my idea of love. A flimsy idea involving an emotional Prince Charming riding in on a white horse to rescue me from every insecurity and meet my needs with perfect words and kisses on my forehead. I seriously expected every boy I had a crush on to be like that, and because of that I did a lot of damage to myself, as well as to whatever poor boy I liked who didn't kiss my hand or tell me I was lovely. My expectations were so high, and I was so naive, and because of that I ruined too many chances and cried too many tears.
    Looking back I am sometimes ashamed and full of regrets, but I am learning to forgive myself. I really didn't know any better, I was a selfish young teenage girl with her head in the clouds and her heart pledged to a boy who never existed. Now I know that real love isn't waiting for some perfect person to come around and make you happy. True romance isn't needing someone more than you need air, it isn't lovestruck poetry or a wedding band on your finger. Real love is practical; it's putting someone before yourself and working hard because God gave you this one person to love, maybe for forever, and He doesn't play around when He puts people in your life. Love is helping, sacrificing until it hurts because your soul and the soul of your significant other just seem to get each other. There is a certain degree of waiting involved, but not the passively-staring-out-your-window, looking-for-your-prince-to-take-you-off-to-Narnia type of waiting. I think it's a calm sort of waiting, the kind of patience which requires a lot of self-respect and self-control, as well as the motivation to live your life to the fullest, knowing that every day might bring you one step closer to meeting your person halfway but not focusing all of your energy on that hope. It may sound cliche, but true love is a verb.
    At least, these are all my thoughts on love, and I have never really been in love with a guy. These words of mine have come from some years of hard learning- learning from my mistakes as well as the mistakes of others, from taking advice on relationships as well as occasionally giving it. This is my view of love at the moment, and that might change, next week or next year or maybe never. God only knows how right or how wrong I am.
    Am I still a hopeless romantic? Yes and no, because my definition of Romantic is different now. I am no longer in love with being in love, because now I am starting to see love as a serious commitment, and I am not exactly ready for that at all. Maybe it's part of becoming an adult, or maybe my hormones are finally calming down, but when I think about love now it is not in daydreams about my first kiss or my wedding day. It's in touch with reality, in practical thoughts and prayers on how I can guard my heart for now and work towards being a tolerable spouse someday. Maybe everything will change when I find my Person, maybe then it will be easier to think about marriage and everything before and after. But, for now? I'm young and unattached and single as a Pringle. And thank God for that.
--Laura :)