Call me a lunatic, then.

   

the chapel at Sacred Heart University, everybody.

    Life is beginning here on my campus, going by quickly yet slower than anything at the same time. Three weeks into my freshman year and my classmates and I are settling into our routines. I know my way around school now. I know when I have to leave my dorm in order to get to my first class on time. I know I have to drink at least two coffees on Mondays in order to survive my 3-hour lab after dinner.
    I'm falling in love with my new home like the leaves that are now cascading off the trees outside of Merton Hall. I love the atmosphere of every home football game that we, the Pioneers, host. I love walking back from the gym after a good, long run on the treadmill. I love flopping onto the grassy quad after choir practice with my roommate. I love the way the brightly colored, fallen leaves contrast with the vivid green grass outside of the library, where the ladies at the Starbucks inside are so chatty and my nursing major friends and I meet to study.
    I'm trying new things. Not just the chef's special at 63's- I began a ballroom dance class and surprisingly I do not suck at it. Dancing is fun- hard and confusing at first, but after much stumbling and tripping over my partner's feet I am able to glide almost gracefully across the floor with minimal glancing at my ever-clumsy, sock-clad feet. I joined an improv acting troupe, and let me tell you that I hadn't laughed long and hard since I got here, until our Tuesday night meeting in the little theater.        Stepping outside of my comfort zone has surprisingly boosted my confidence level. I had no idea I was this social. I've interacted with so many new people since I arrived, and it's nice that I am now able to walk past people I know in the halls and say hi. 
    I don't feel so alone anymore. I have a core group of friends that I'm starting to love, and having people I can connect with in classes and clubs is new and wonderful. I'm not used to seeing my friends every day -homeschooler problems- and I love how I can now simply run into my friends, in the cafeteria or at the chapel, and just hang out with them in between classes. I spend less time texting my friends here because I can merely walk across campus to see them face-to-face.
    Who knows if these friendships will last? If what I'm doing here will impact me for better or worse? I'm leaving that up to God- I know this is where He wants me, and I have never felt His presence as strongly in my life since I came here. Being in a non-church environment has made my faith stronger- is that crazy?
    I think it's crazy. But so is adhering to faith in our postmodern society. Call me a lunatic, then.
--Laura

Life begins.

    College. That's where I have been a resident for exactly two weeks. I'm almost through with my first week of classes, have registered for an appropriate number of clubs and events, and racked up a small hoard of free t-shirts from all the freshman socials. Yesterday all I ate besides dinner was a muffin and two free iced coffees from the Starbucks in my campus library (yes, we have a Starbucks in the library, and yes, you should be very jealous). I'm still getting lost in the halls -need I remind you, I am a former homeschooler, so this whole "leaving the living room and putting on real pants to get an education" thing is utterly baffling- and I haven't showed up to class in my pajamas just yet. I've made a few friends, but sometimes I feel a little lonely and homesick, because for the first time in my entire life I'm in an entirely new place, surrounded by people I have not known since infancy, doing something I have never done before.

    I guess what I'm trying to prove is that my freshman year has been pretty typical so far. Although, I don't think I'm as bad off as some of my classmates- I've had a few people mistake me for an RA, and last night a couple of my fellow freshman told me they thought I was a junior because I look "so sophisticated."

    If only they knew how lost I feel sometimes. How I've cried exactly twice since I've been here, due to insecurity and my inner feelings of inadequacy. How the strangest things remind me of my mom: the garlic mashed potatoes in the cafeteria, how the librarians cut their scrap paper, even the way I've become suddenly very social and welcoming- like mother, like daughter. I am more akin to her than I thought, and it took two weeks of soaring out from under her protective wing for me to understand that.

   And I know I'm paying an inordinately large sum of money to attend Sacred Heart, yet ironically enough the most profound, influential things that I have learned have come from outside of the classrooms. This goes beyond how many anatomical terms I can memorize when I study by myself. This has to do with how much I have learned about life since I came here.

    Life is precious. I used to imagine what it would be like to get hit by a car, but it took the death of an upperclassmen and a very emotional vigil, in which I sang with the choir, for me to realize how serious and sacred our limited years on earth can be. After the vigil, after some of the upperclassmen helped us process our grief, I told my mother I loved her. I realized how much I had to lose. All of this on my second day on campus.

    The phrase "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone" is true. I can't count how many times I've had to drag myself outside of myself in order to meet new people, try new things, and be open and vulnerable. Some of my best memories from these past two weeks involve situations in which I went completely against my inner, anxious self- when I asked a classmate if she was okay and ended up becoming her friend, when my friends and I waited in line for ice cream for an hour and a half and met some cool people, when I brought brownies around to the girls on my floor and ended up watching a movie with and getting to know a few of them, when I signed up for a ballroom dance class, when I shared my faith. All things weird, for me, but all things worth it in the long run.

    Loving hurts. This has less to do with what I've learned on campus, but somethings from my outside life have leaked in here, and made me understand the essential pain that comes with love. Love hurts because it's worth it, just like stepping outside of your comfort zone. It's okay to be sad when you are wounded by love, but you cannot let the sadness overwhelm you. You have to let it produce growth, and make you stronger. Keeping yourself abstained from love will only make you cold and harsh. Fear not the bleeding heart- my heart overflows with love, for my family and friends and now my campus, which is suddenly, startlingly, becoming my home. God meant for pain and love to coexist. We could not have one without the other.

    Here I have processed all I have seen and done over these past few weeks. Fall is fast approaching- the leaves are already falling from the trees outside of my dorm, and I'm itching to pull out my sweaters and boots even though the temperature is in the 70's. It will come with time, just like everything else. And I can't wait to see what God brings with the colors of autumn and the chill of the early-morning, New England air.

--Laura :)