So, yeah, I'm a bit of an aesthetic romanticist. I also like using big words (I might as well put all that SAT vocab to use) and starting sentences with the word "so". And there are parts of myself -dark, depressing parts, evil emotions and things I've been through- that I will never be able to describe. Ever. And I wish I could, but I can't. Sometimes I just get these feelings and I don't even know what they are, but they make my chest feel heavy and whatever it is inside me starts trying to claw its way out. I am quite familiar with that cold, explosive feeling in the pit of your stomach- you know, the one you get when you find out some of your friends hung out and forgot to invite you. But sometimes I get that feeling when I'm surrounded by the people I like the most, or when the sun is shining and the sky is an everlasting blue. It just comes and overwhelms me, and I withdraw into the dangerous chasm of my mind. Am I depressed, or is this normal? Is it normal to be blind to your own talents and abilities, to say to yourself "they're lying, or just being fake" whenever someone compliments you? Am I crazy? I want answers, more than I wanted to see the green grass and smell the spring wind during the blizzard back in February. Well, now I have the grass, and I can go outside barefoot, and despite all those emotions I just tried (and somewhat failed) to put into words, I feel a little bit more happy and whole. And I have realized that this is probably as good as it's going to get. For all the chasing after happiness we as people do, unaltered happiness is just not reachable here on earth. And maybe that's why God puts that desire for perfection in us. So when our attempts to find it fail, and we end up curled up in bed, biting the sheets to keep our sobs from turning into screams- we understand that the only place real happiness lies is in Heaven. Heaven, where there is true integrity and security, where our concerns about what other people think of us, and our own self-hatred just disappears. Isn't that amazing? I can't believe it took me so long to understand that. Maybe, if I spent less time listening to my own thoughts and turned an ear to the words of the wise people around me, I would have come to terms with this long ago. But hey, everyone grows up at their own pace.
Now that this lesson has been learned, I'm having one of those end-of-the-movie moments. You know, that moment when everything ties together in the beautiful, messy way life does, and a chapter closes as everything fades to black with vague hints at a sequel. And in this moment everything feels like it will be okay, and the world is a safe place, even though in the back of my mind, I know I'll have to come back to reality and face the music. But, for now, those battles can wait to be fought another day. Today, the sun is shining, and the Japanese maple tree outside my bedroom window is swaying in the soft breeze. Today, I have everything I could want or need. Today is enough.
--Laura :)
