"my thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations"

    It's amazing how fast this summer has gone by, like trees lining the highway. I haven't posted anything in a really long time- I should have after VBS at my church, and the unbelievable missions trip I went on to Boston, and when I got home from Cape Cod. But, I didn't, because I was afraid my words couldn't do justice to how changed I feel after those few short weeks. I learned a thousand lessons and ate several slices of humble pie and cried my eyes out a few times (being like, three times as emotional as I used to be is one way I'm different). I'm the same old Laura -the one who gets enraptured by Pride & Prejudice and bites her nails and thinks about working out more than she actually does- except my perspective has changed. I'm better at accepting myself and other people for who we are, which is huge for me. I'm learning to live as a reformed control freak. I learned that "facing fear, trusting God" isn't just a motto for vacation Bible school, it's the way a fraidy-cat like me should be living life. And when my brother beats me to the bathroom and I can't take a shower, I should stop and thank God, because I have a shower and a brother and some people don't have either. And sometimes you don't need a reason to cry, but other times you need to cry over insecurity and sad endings in books and kids with cancer.
    As young people, we get the message that we're supposed to have really high expectations for summertime. We're supposed to live with no regrets and say "YOLO" a lot and take candid pictures and have all sorts of adventures before the new school year begins. I know from experience that summer usually isn't all it's cracked up to be because we try too hard to make everything perfect. And, yeah, my summer was far from perfect this time around. But I think that was what made it real. And I'm honored and thankful for all the memories I now have, and the people who were with me on every journey and adventure and new experience. :)
    Now, it's almost fall- my all-time favorite time of year. I love the everchanging weather and the colors of nature, a constant reminder that there is a Designer who knows how to display His glory in creation. I love being able to wear sweaters again and getting a fresh start to a new school year (even though I'm totally burnt out by March, but come on, who isn't?). This fall is special, because it's my last one I get to experience at home. Next year, I'll be a college freshman- eighteen years old and out on my own, getting to know the world as much as possible beyond the four walls of a drafty dorm room. The universe of Adulthood is fast approaching, and I'm excited and sad and nervous because I still feel like a socially awkward 12-year-old with a bad haircut. I'm utterly unprepared. It's a funny thing when you talk and dream and worry about something, because once it happens, for all your planning you have no idea what to expect. Yet, for once I am not afraid. I know I'm not alone this time- I have a God who endlessly loves me, a supportive family, and some pretty amazing friends who will cheer me on no matter what. And I'm praying that whatever happens to me over the next year, it will prepare me as best as possible for that Great Perhaps lying just outside of my front door.
--Laura :)

Sweet Summertime :)

    Summer is here, ladies and gents! For me, it rolled around after a stressful end to junior year and some unnaturally cold June weather. Now, it is precisely 81 degrees outside, and the fireflies are blinking under the trees in the front yard. Oh, and did I mention I am officially a senior in high school? It is now the beginning of the end, and I am both sad and excited about whatever God has in store for me over the next year. Actually, now that I think about it, I get even more excited and happy and proud of myself for making it this far. It's a funny feeling, but I love it all the same:)
    So far, this summer has been great. And I'm surprised. Last summer I spent too much time overthinking and moping and feeling sorry for myself, and I ruined practically the rest of the year because of the ghosts I let captivate my mind. So, when the last few weeks ended up being lovelier than I had imagined, and the weeks to come started to fill up with things to do, I was pleasantly surprised.
    I don't know. All of the sudden I'm just really thankful to be here now, doing what I'm doing, and enjoying the life God has blessed me with.
    It's still a struggle everyday. I have to drag my lackadaisical self out of bed every morning, and work really hard at Positive Thinking, something I have never been a star at doing. Sometimes my sisters drive me up a wall. I get into fights with my younger brother. My friends let me down, or I forget to be there for them. But you know what? That's life, my lovelies. It's usually kind of a letdown if you have unrealistic expectations for the people around you. The only person you should expect to be a superhero is yourself, I believe.
    But who knows? I'm still very young and inexperienced; I could be wrong. I'll most likely go out into The Big Bad World and make a thousand more mistakes, and (hopefully) learn from a few of them. The very thought of being out on my own someday scares the hell out of me, honestly, especially because that Someday is like, next year. I keep thinking, "I like where I am now. I don't want to change." But...God has a plan for me, and no matter what, I have to trust in his timing. Is that hard for me? Yeah. I'm kind of a control freak when it comes to my own life. But I am learning how to let go. I think I'll always be in a constant state of learning; I'll never fully understand everything about life until, ironically, I die. I can pretend all I want that I have it all figured out, but I honestly never will, which is somewhat of a relief.
    Anyway, I wanted to close this post with something my friend Grace wrote to me in a letter. I was rereading it this morning, and I was like "Oh my gosh, not only does Grace have a beautiful face, she's also a genius." so, here is the link to Grace's fantastic blog, the one that inspired me to start writing more, and here is what she wrote (hopefully she doesn't mind me sharing this. I think only like 12 people read my blog, so she's got nothing to fear):
    "I had a thought while staring out the window at the trees. Humans are so much more alive than trees and have so much more to live for and yet trees are so much more peaceful...humans are the most privileged organisms on the planet and Americans are the most privileged of the most privileged and yet everyone is so upset or angry all the time. I don't know. I guess I feel like people are missing the point. There is so much to live for and so much glory that needs to be given to God and people (myself included) miss out on all of it...I just want to be happy, and live and bring glory to the Almighty and give him thanks for this awesome life he's given me to live." 
    Yeah. That pretty much says it all.
--Laura :)

Big City Dreams

So, remember that little sister of mine I told you about in my last post? If you don't, then you should go read my previous post. Right now. Because then and only then will this one make sense, and also that last post was arguably my best one yet:)

    My sister has a blog, and in her last post she wrote about what she intends to do with her life, and it got me thinking: what do I want to do? Nothing nearly as exciting as what Rose wants to do, but she's more of a lighthearted dreamer than me. Usually when I dream, my imagination runs away with me and I end up getting upset over problems that only exist in my beautiful mess of a mind.

    Yet, still I dream. I can't help myself from letting aimless wonderings about The Future seep through the cracks of my mind. I think about it as I drift off to sleep every night, and sometimes my dreams are so vividly real I become convinced they are premonitions of what's to come.

    But what really lies ahead of me, on the footpath of Someday? Only God knows. And, yeah, I know Jeremiah 29:11 by heart like any good Christian girl, but is it wrong for me to want to know what exactly those plans God has for me are?

    No, I don't think so.

    I know what I want to happen. I want to go to college and learn lots of things, to satisfy my endless  question of "why?". I want to make friends and travel the world and experience a culture through the eyes of a foreigner and help as many people as I can. I want to be a nurse, and miraculously graduate nursing school with as minimal college debt as possible. I want to have a cute little house with a wraparound porch and rooms painted in pretty colors and a Golden Retriever named Bingley. I crave adventure, and maybe I'll have a few adventures of my own. I'll read a thousand books and hone a thousand new skills and maybe do some serious work to make the world suck less.

    So, these are the things I want to do. There are memories I intend on making, too- being pinned by one of my aunts at my nurse's Pinning, being in my friends' and sisters' weddings, meeting people who make me laugh until tears stream down my cheeks. Oh, and maybe I'll write a book, or have a closet full of cute clothes and shoes, or adopt some orphans, or marry my best friend- agh, there are so many things on my bucket list. Yet I dare to dream that I, by the grace of God, can accomplish them all. And the very thought of doing all these fearful and wonderful things makes me excited and nervous at the same time.
    In closing, here is the link to my darling, dearest sister's blog. If you're ever having a bad day I highly reccomend you read it, and let the sunshine of her words warm your soul.

This picture basically describes mine and Rose's relationship.

--Laura :)

    

All The Pretty Things

    So, as always, I was doing a lot  of thinking today, and I realized: I named this blog All The Pretty Things for a reason. Because I wanted to write about the lovely side of life. I wanted to make myself fell better, and maybe even inspire a few people. Yet I have discovered that I have somewhat failed in the area of "positive thinking" and "happy writing." All I've really done so far is write about my so-called problems and post a few pictures of trees that I downloaded off of Google. Myopic? Yes. Inspirational? I think not.
    Therefore, today I have decided to write about some of the happy thoughts I've had lately. And maybe, someone somewhere will read this, and they'll laugh and smile and feel good on the inside. You never know:)

Pretty things that make me happy:
1. Coffee. Yeah, I'm that girl. The one who is a grumpy wolverine every morning when she wakes up at 8:00 B.C (Before Coffee). I am a completely unmotivated, pajama-clad slug until I have a fresh, steaming cup of the sweet nectar of life. I am not even joking when I say that coffee is what gives me strength to face every day (also Jesus- whoa there, I almost sounded like a heretic). Just this week I tried to fast from coffee, but I only lasted for three days. I discovered that me + no caffeine for 72 hours= one lethargic, lifeless human being who naps like a preschooler (I fell asleep after school yesterday and the day before, thus breaking my previous record of Naps Taken This Year, which was zero). I will argue with anyone who says that coffee isn't pretty. Excuse me, but have you been to Starbucks? Have you seen all those pictures hipsters post on Instagram of their mocha frappucinos, piled high with whipped cream in plastic-domed cups? Case and point. 
2. My little sister.

vertically speaking, she isn't my little sister, given the fact that she has at least an inch on me when it comes to height (but I am growing, I swear). She is my one and only baby sister, and she is most certainly one of the pretty things that make me happy. Sometimes, I think of myself when I was her age, and I get this funny, pride-like feeling in my gut, because she is so much more herself at fourteen than I ever was. Rosie is hilarious- she has no filter and has been bequeathed by her closest friends with a nickname: The Bucket of Sass. She's also tough as nails- I can be quite the demanding older sister, yet for all the ways I boss her around, or pick on her, she has not let it get to her. Usually I complain, because she can be kind of an introvert, which I find boring. This is what often happens when I ask Rose to join me at some social junction: 

Me: "Hey Rose, do you want to come to (insert name of social gathering)?"

Rose: *gives me her signature 'gurl please' face* "No."

Me: "Ugh, whyyyy?"

Rose: "Why not? I have books to read. And Tumblr needs me."

Me: "But you could make some friends if you came with me. And there will be free food."

Rose: "I have all the friends I need right here *gestures to stack of Harry Potter books* and besides. Mom makes me free food."

Me: "God, you're boring."

Rose: "Meh, I am who I is." *goes back to napping*

Although Rose prefers staying in bed and reading books to going out and doing stuff, I admire her. She doesn't need people. She knows who she is, which is something most girls her age cannot say. She's good company when I'm lonely, and we have endless private jokes that the rest of the world shakes their heads at us for. I am so thankful that God has blessed me with a cute, huggable punching bag, therapist, and future maid of honor called my sister.

3. Laughter. I love to laugh. My true sense of humor is sarcastic and slightly inappropriate. I like to laugh at myself sometimes (ironically though, I get Uber-sensitive when people make fun of me, because I always think they're being serious). People with witty senses of humor make me happy. When someone tells a joke, and it hits me right in the funny bone, my immediate reaction is to ask them to be my best friend for all of eternity, or (if they happen to be male) for their hand in marriage. You know that feeling? When you laugh so hard you literally stop breathing, with a painfully happy smile on your face? That is one of the best feelings in the world. I think laughing like that should be a good workout for your abs. If that was the case, I believe people would be motivated to laugh more. Then there would be more laughter in the world, all because some people wanted  6-packs.

4. Music. Usually, music is my go-to when I feel sad, or confused, or just drained. I love lyrics that speak the words I cannot voice, but only feel. I love music that moves me, those songs whose melodies stir up a fire in my soul. Music is certainly a Pretty Thing. Anyone with ears could tell you that. Surely everyone has the One Song that they listen to on repeat until it becomes their own, the one with the lyrics that they've memorized, because they feel like they are their lyrics. Even songs without words speak volumes- I love this one by the fantastic group called the Piano Guys. To me, it sounds hopeful. It sounds like the early morning, right after the sun has come up, when you have hardly said a word and as of yet, the day is unspoiled and full of promise.

    Maybe I'm a hopeful sort of person. I definitely expect a lot out of other people, and because of that I end up being disappointed a lot. I believe in the power of music, but I also believe in the power of words. Words can be a person's greatest encouragement, and also their biggest adversary. I believe we have the power to let someone else's words define us. We also have the power to ignore them, to make them meaningless to us. More importantly, we have to make that decision whenever someone says something that could potentially harm or define us- will their words make us, or will they break us? I think it's usually best not to let what anyone says hurt us, unless it is for our own good. The phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is nice and all, but I personally believe that what you decide to not let hurt you really makes you stronger. You get tough, yet vulnerable at the same time. It's a strange conundrum, but it is life, and who am I to question the greatest gift God has ever given me?

--Laura :) 

Carpeing some diem:)

Spring has (finally) arrived! I have a hard time putting into words how excited and relieved and almost happy this makes me. The pictures above are not actually ones I took, but they reminded me of what my backyard looks like right now. I can't wait until summer, when I can stay up all night and live a different life and sit out in the hammock all day with my friends, just talking and laughing and watching the everchanging colors of the sky.
   So, yeah, I'm a bit of an aesthetic romanticist. I also like using big words (I might as well put all that SAT vocab to use) and starting sentences with the word "so". And there are parts of myself -dark, depressing parts, evil emotions and things I've been through- that I will never be able to describe. Ever. And I wish I could, but I can't. Sometimes I just get these feelings and I don't even know what they are, but they make my chest feel heavy and whatever it is inside me starts trying to claw its way out. I am quite familiar with that cold, explosive feeling in the pit of your stomach- you know, the one you get when you find out some of your friends hung out and forgot to invite you. But sometimes I get that feeling when I'm surrounded by the people I like the most, or when the sun is shining and the sky is an everlasting blue. It just comes and overwhelms me, and I withdraw into the dangerous chasm of my mind. Am I depressed, or is this normal? Is it normal to be blind to your own talents and abilities, to say to yourself "they're lying, or just being fake" whenever someone compliments you? Am I crazy? I want answers, more than I wanted to see the green grass and smell the spring wind during the blizzard back in February. Well, now I have the grass, and I can go outside barefoot, and despite all those emotions I just tried (and somewhat failed) to put into words, I feel a little bit more happy and whole. And I have realized that this is probably as good as it's going to get. For all the chasing after happiness we as people do, unaltered happiness is just not reachable here on earth. And maybe that's why God puts that desire for perfection in us. So when our attempts to find it fail, and we end up curled up in bed, biting the sheets to keep our sobs from turning into screams- we understand that the only place real happiness lies is in Heaven. Heaven, where there is true integrity and security, where our concerns about what other people think of us, and our own self-hatred just disappears. Isn't that amazing? I can't believe it took me so long to understand that. Maybe, if I spent less time listening to my own thoughts and turned an ear to the words of the wise people around me, I would have come to terms with this long ago. But hey, everyone grows up at their own pace.
  Now that this lesson has been learned, I'm having one of those end-of-the-movie moments. You know, that moment when everything ties together in the beautiful, messy way life does, and a chapter closes as everything fades to black with vague hints at a sequel. And in this moment everything feels like it will be okay, and the world is a safe place, even though in the back of my mind, I know I'll have to come back to reality and face the music. But, for now, those battles can wait to be fought another day. Today, the sun is shining, and the Japanese maple tree outside my bedroom window is swaying in the soft breeze. Today, I have everything I could want or need. Today is enough.
--Laura :)

The battles inside us

    There is a battle waging inside of everyone. Even the "happy" people of the world have some inner struggle, one that is unique to their individual personalities. For me, it is this deep sadness, whose icy fingers creep up on me, clawing at my soul when I least expect it. The war fluctuates, in a way. I'll be fine for days -sometimes weeks- until it consumes me, overwhelming like riptide at the ocean shore."Sadness" is rather an umbrella term, because to me, that one word means many other things:
    Depression.
    Insecurity.
    Anger.
    Fear.
   For many months I let the sadness win. I let it control my life and make me withdrawn. I let it distort my feelings so much that I became unstable, prone to completely random emotional outbursts. My thoughts became disfigured and I resigned myself to a lonely (but unreal) future where I was on the outside, as always, and no one gave a damn about me.
    That was not so long ago, but to me it feels like a thousand years have passed, that I'm living a different life now because I am such an altered person. It's not that I triumphantly overcame my emotional struggle, had myself a happily ever after, and tied it all up with a big bow and a "The End". I am much more of a realist than that, I have discovered. I have also discovered that our problems here on earth never truly end. There will  always be a battle- but are you ready to fight the good fight? Because to be blunt, it is always going to suck. There's no getting around that. You can never be totally free of unhappiness- no one can. And it's so important not to look at your own life and think there is something wrong with you because everyone else looks perfect on the outside and you don't. The difference between them and you is that you see the version of them that they project to the rest of the world, while you see every facet of your not-so-glamorous life. You see all your flaws and shortcomings. You are the only one who sees your brokenhearted self crying on the bathroom floor. You live with yourself every single day, and when you compare yourself to others, you think "I'm not normal. I'm not good enough. I struggle, but no one else does- why?"
    It's this dizzying cycle that sometimes makes me want to give it all up. But...I am learning to fight the good fight. I am going to battle this sadness throughout my entire life, because I'm (tragically) just like everyone else. And, yeah, I'm going to have good and bad days, and I'm going to fake a lot of smiles and break down from time to time, but I will be fighting the good fight. I won't give up- on myself, on other people, on the world. This place is a mess, full of messy, struggling people who lie about their messes and cry in the shower so no one knows what they're really going through. And I feel like people could work together to do great things in the world if we were just honest with each other. Because who wants to join forces with "perfect" people?
--Laura :)
 

About Me

    I have spent the past several months asking myself a question over and over again: who am I? And it has only become clear to me very recently that there isn't a straight answer to that question. I think I somewhat expected myself to fit into a box, or a specific category, because I tend to expect other people to thrive under the titles I give them: The Smart One, The Sweet One, The Funny One. You get the picture. But since my expectations for other people were very high, I tended to get let down or upset every time someone did not fit in their box, or stepped outside of it. I spent so much time trying to figure out what my box was, looking for myself and where I belonged. In the end I got extremely frustrated and depressed, on the point of giving up because I felt that I didn't have a place anywhere, that my personality was too inconsistent for anyone to tolerate.
    But then I realized something- something that most people understand from a very young age, or are inundated with by their parents: people are, in reality, too complicated to be just one thing at a time. We are a startling mess of creatures from day one, and though we may try to generalize and dismiss someone with a laugh and a simple "oh, you're such a (fill in the blank)" it does not honestly work like that. I stumbled upon a quote that sums up this fascinating predicament:

  “To say a person is a happy person or an unhappy person is ridiculous. We are a thousand different kinds of people every hour.”--Anthony Doerr

I like to speak in quotes on occasion. I also make up some sayings of my own. I can be really sweet and endearing one moment, and completely sarcastic and cynical the next. I have days where I am extremely self motivated, and days where getting out of bed takes an act of God. I am both an optimist and a pessimist, depending on what day of the week it is. In conclusion, I am an utterly inconsistent human being. I do not fit in a box, and that is okay! A lot of the time I am a totally different person depending on who I'm around. It's not that I'm two-faced, it's that different people leave different impressions on me, and make me comfortable or uncomfortable. And it has taken me seventeen years to understand that this conundrum of Self, the one I battle with on a daily basis, is normal. I love that- thinking something you do is unspeakably weird, only to find out that everyone else does it, to your immense relief.
    But I'm not always different. Certain things about me will probably always stay the same- things that not many people know about. Like my unquenchable desire to travel the world, and my deep love of Harry Potter (I kid you not, my Hogwarts allegiance runs deeper than anyone may know). I think a lot, which is not always a good thing, but I am learning to channel my thoughts towards something besides self-hatred and what other people think of me (like this blog. I find writing about my emotions to be very cathartic). I have a really small attention span, and -although it hurts my sarcastic pride to admit this- I am somewhat of a hopeless romantic.
    So, this is me. I'm a mess of different feelings and traits, all jumbled up inside a small and unlikely-looking person. But I kind of like that I can be like this- that everyone is full of different emotions that may not make sense, but are what make them who they are. And I love how different people can bring out different qualities in a person, sometimes good and sometimes bad. It's the tragic mystery of the human soul that makes me want to stick around for a long, long time, because maybe someday, I just might figure it out.
--Laura :)